THE BITCH IS BACK

I have discovered lately that I really am a smack talker. Don't get me wrong, I can function in society, it's not like I have Tourettes or anything. But the amount of crap that I give other people in my head is really amazing. Amazingly shameful. Yet I do love that snarky/funny side to my personality. What's a bitch to do?

I know! I'll write a blog that no one, I mean NO ONE, will ever read. Easy. Check that fucking box right now. I'm gonna talk all the smack I want. Get it out of my system, so to speak.

Let's start now, shall we?

Topic #1: Fake hair color
Why why why is it that women of a certain age think it looks great to dye their hair an unatural shade of red/black/brown? This is a color combo that makes a 25-year-old girl look like a kick-ass rocker chick but looks TIRED and old at 40. I would hope that at the point in life where a woman really needs a hair color rescue she can afford to do multicolor strands and make it at least look somewhat natural. I am not shitting you when I say natural colors will make you look younger. Step away from the box and spend the $150 bucks already.

Topic #2: Fucking capri pants
I am fairly sure I have ranted about capri pants before. And it's a really good thing that NO ONE reads my blog because at least 64% of the women I know wear capri pants. But honestly I think they should be outlawed. Who ever thought that cutting a pair of pants off at the fattest part of a women's calf would be attractive must have been smoking crack or at least partaking in the medical marijuana-of-the-month club. F-ugly. Just say no to capris, regardless of the bullshit that Old Navy is trying to sell you. I am serious.

Topic #3: Bathing suits - Just Say No
Quiet down now. I'm going to have a personal moment. I think I have reached a point where I should never wear a bathing suit ever again. I mean EVER again. My ass has reached the point of no return. Or at least a point where only major surgery would be able to drag my thighs and butt back up to a point where the sight of me wouldn't make small children cry. And I don't think I'm alone. Bathing suits are made for skinny young people. So if you can't bounce a quarter off the back of your thighs then more than likely parts of flesh are being exposed that really are better left to the imagination. Repeat after me... SARONG.

Well children, I think that's enough bitchiness for now. I feel better already. Whew.